Do you ever feel like your life is passing you by? Like you see that everyone else's life has started and you wonder when yours is going to take off?
It's really easy to get caught in the swing of things. We go from one appointment to the next. One school to the next. One job to another. One neighborhood to the next.
And then. You're 36 and not really sure how that happened.
You were just graduating from college.
You were just hanging out with your husband.
You were just a new mom.
You were just reading that book on parenting.
You were just...
I have really been wrestling with the disappointment of what I've done with my life. I know that sounds horrible but this is really the only way that we can help each other, for us to be honest. I mean, I love the choices that I have made. I love my family and my town and my niche.
But it has always felt like I had miles and miles before me to decide how I would spend my "blink of an eye" . I knew it was going to go quick, at least, that is what everyone says. But in our youth, it seems light years away. Like something will eventually come but you still don't quite understand how you can measure the distance of light anyways, so why focus on it?
It seems like those days will never come.
And then the milestones come and slap you around a little. The big one is 40, that is looming in the distance and making me feel like I better get in shape, fix my face and have my first big professional achievement because um. 40. That is a huge marker and what happens after that? Geriatric Retreats? Group Bus Tours? Restaurant discounts?
10 year anniversary. Ten years with the same person and then there is more of us. Like this is going to be like this until we die? We better figure out all our problems, get that counseling, ignore that pet peeve, and read those marriage books because we are kind of in a permanent situation here.
I think the trouble with realizing that I am still not sure how I want to spend each day is that I can see them slipping away from me.
I know that minutes turn quickly because I still feel like a 16 year old girl on the inside. Okay maybe 21 but I don't think I am alone on this. I think that most of my friends are in this same boat and are constantly surprised that we are actually the adults in the room.
I was buying Easter "candy" the other day with one of my girlfriends and I stopped and leaned in and whispered...
"Wait, are we really old enough to be the parents buying the candy? Like I feel like my mom should still be doing this? Surely, this doesn't mean we are old enough for our own kids?"...
The time goes so quick. When I remember things, I am not really sure that it is even my life that I am remembering. Which leads me to wonder, what am I doing? And how much time will I have left to do it?
I always had trouble developing a dream. I never really wanted much but to have a family and be a mom. I never had a big dream. I thought having a family was my dream. It's all that I was certain of.
When someone you love dies, it changes your perspective on time. It changes everything really, if you let it. It's like your time bubble bursts and you see how many dash marks you actually have left. It should make you want to make the most of every mark you have left and go live it up.
Go all out and do all the things that the person that left earth early didn't get to do , but it doesn't.
Or I should say, it hasn't yet.
Maybe sometimes I feel like it's now or never. I'm all in.. But I'm struggling to decide what I'm all in for.. Or with? I feel the pressure of time like never before.
Instead, I feel paralyzed. I see everyone's life around me and it appears as if everyone is still just pushing forward with their dreams. Social Media might as well be the worst gauge ever to decide where you fall in this world. I have pretty much dipped out of all but one outlet. Yet still it has it's benefits but I try and avoid peak seasons that just are an overload of how great everyone is doing or how they want us to think they are doing. It is really the best way to learn what you are yearning for in your own life. Whatever pushes you to unfollow, scroll past or groan when you see a new post, is probably something you are disappointed about in your own life. Whether or not is is a true depiction is irrelevant. When I feel confident in my own life and choices, this Social Media effect is lessened for sure.
What's it all for? What am I supposed to be doing each day? Everything seems optional. I started feeling this during my son's sickness too but nothing to the point that I do now. What is the point of all of this?
How do I get a new dream that I actually care about or am sold out too, after my first dream died?
Have you ever opened up Google and tried to find the answers to all your problems? You start with the hope of a blinking cursor, what are you going to google? Maybe this.....
How to live a life that serves God while serving others?
How to be at peace when you feel like a piece? Lol.
How to choose a career and file into society like everyone else when you can't seem to really want to do anything and you're a little good at a lot of things but not really great at one big thing?
How to find what you're good at while taking care of your husband and son and still making healthy meals, keeping a clean house and staying within a budget?
Anyone? Can anyone relate to any of these ridiculous ways that we search to find what we want to do? I know. This is such a first world problem.
Oh sad, I don't know what I want to do all day. I know the answer that my family comes first and that serving God are the two things that I have to do. But you can do that in so many ways.
I've said this before but losing a child somehow made me feel like staying home was not an option anymore. I've been searching for what I need to be doing ever since.
I have realized several things along this search and these are basically reminders for myself that you might need too:
1. It doesn't matter what you are doing and where you are doing it, God can use you there. It doesn't have to be this grand gesture or awakening of realization that you are finally in your element. Just be available to be used. Wherever you are.
2. The idea that you will finally start doing that job or that thing that you have been planning for forever , is unlikely. I used to think that if I made a choice, it would be my only choice for all of time. It is so wonderful to have different seasons of being in different places. It might be the same thing you are doing but it will look different.
3. Go out with a bang. Do everything all out and then stop if you feel that your season is done there. Knowing what you know, I thought somehow that I was the glue holding the things or jobs that I have done together. And um . Wrong. Anything good is God and that will happen if he moves you somewhere else.
4. Don't underestimate your value as a Mom and Wife. Losing Walker and three babies made me feel like I somehow wasn't good at those things and therefore made me want to have other things that were also mine. Not bad at all to want other things but I think I wanted other things because it didn't feel like enough to have what was left. But my family needs me. Your family needs you. Sure you can be apart of jobs and other things that life has to offer. But these people in our home are not to be undervalued.
5. You will never stop struggling with all the things.
I wrote most of this an entire year ago and have desperately missed writing the past year. I have filled my time with other things and held back from putting my words back into the chasm of internet land. I have struggled silently with trying to decided what to do with my time and feeling like the world is spinning at a faster rate.
It all goes so quickly. There is so much good here but man, the days are just ripped from our hands if we aren't desperately clinging to them to fill them with purpose. I've put so much pressure on making it all count that I sometimes I throw my hands up when I realize it is impossible to do that.
Do you feel like your life is passing you by? What can you do to grab on and enjoy each day? It's not about being in the perfect home, job or family photo... It's about being present wherever you are and if you don't like where you are, change it. It is never to late to make your life different.