This quote has been blowing my mind all week.
I find myself thinking that I am a very unlikely writer.
I find myself wanting to run from my gifts and just do something simple and normal. I love my art and writing and my voice but it is wobbly. Very.
I feel like I have lived 35 years of not trusting who I really am. Like it wasn’t right to like these things because I didn’t think I was good at them or no one really cared what I thought.
I was able to push down the words, put them into journals, ignore the unusual way that I focused on the way words went together.
It wasn’t until I had to write. It wasn’t until I had to write about what was happening with us and Walker. I had to update. I had to let people know so that they could pray. I had to.
I think what I realize now, is that my struggle with writing, was never finding the words..but finding my worth. I didn’t feel that I was good enough to be heard.
I am crying even putting those words into font. It seems like my struggle all these years wasn’t with what to do but who would care if I did? Would anyone want to know what I was writing about? What God was teaching me? Did I have anything that could help someone or bring them joy?
I am not sure exactly what I pinpoint is the reason that I had so little confidence in myself or maybe I do but haven’t reconciled it yet.
I didn’t grow up in an everyone gets a trophy generation. (totally think that’s lame, ps) It wasn’t until I started reading parenting books that I even realized you could “speak to a child’s heart”. I didn’t know that “hearts” needed to be cared for.
As much as everyone wants to pretend that we all have our ducks in a row as adults, we are all just taller versions of who we were as children. Carrying around this struggle of,
Am I good enough?
Sure, it gets buried and most of us don’t have any clue that what we are doing now is a reflection of who we were as an adolescent. But if you look at your choices, relationships and inner thoughts….Are you still battling for this to be answered?
I see the cry for help in my younger relationships and experiences..Just trying to find someone or something to make me feel like I was good enough.
When I was seeking approval from others, in a way that denied my worth with God.. I lost myself. It was easy to realize things I liked and to do them. But to really put myself out there. To ask someone else if they thought what I did, was good enough? That was just too hard. I’d rather sit this one out. I’d rather not play the, who am I meant to be game, if it meant finding out what people really thought.
The only remedy to overcoming the heart issues and finding your worth is by looking to Jesus. The only way you will ever release your inner struggle of value is to say..”Okay, I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to do this alone. There is nothing in me that will ever make me feel good enough. But there is in you, Jesus. There is in you.”
Finding my worth in my struggle of losing my son. It’s the most unlikely story. It’s the hardest way to learn that you are worth your value, that through leaning on Jesus because nothing else can hold you up. You are worth it.
“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
I can’t not write now. Every thought I have forms a paragraph. Every thought I have, I put before the Lord and ask, Is this worthy? I can’t deny the calling on my heart to spill out the truths that I believe that God is sharing with me and what I’ve learned in my crazy, you just don’t even know the half of it, life.
I lost my son but through it I gained the ability to put my worth in God and not in what anyone else thinks. It is still hard. I still cry every day that he is gone. I still can’t believe that this is my truth, but I can put forth my words. I can rely on HIS TRUTH. I can move forward.
It’s really incredible to witness the cycle of life…from high to low and all the in between. The fact that my low can really lead into my high. That through my journey, you can find hope for yours. That what you are going through isn’t the end but can be the beginning.
So, I’m writing. I’m seeking first God. I’m trying to find my place in the church that God can use my gifts for his glory. Most of all, I am willing.
I am willing to be honest and share my experiences and my hope is that not all of them will bring you tears, ( I’ve heard I’m good at that) but laughter and encouragement and hope.
“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.” Psalm 138:8
“being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ” Phil 1:6
I pray that you find your worth in God and not in the approval of others or in your own works..But by being involved in His. Find your worth.