His time and what I do in mine.

In His time.

I’ll be honest. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Watching your child become sick to the point of death and not being able to do anything. We watch. We cry. We hold him. We read. We give the medicine. We wait.

Each day becomes one long blur. I’m so tired of waiting. I keep trying to enjoy these moments. Tell him more things that I never got to say. I don’t know if he can hear me. Part of me thinks that he is not here and hasn’t been .. but then where is he? He must be here. So we talk to him like he is or try to.

Sometimes the medical talk happens in front of him and I find myself talking quieter like he can’t hear me then. Because, wouldn’t that be awful? To hear your funeral plans before you’ve left this earth? To hear your symptoms over and over?  Walker hasn’t spoken since July 3 2014. But he can hear. He flinches when there is something loud. He draws his extremities into his core like he is scared.

I distract myself with reruns of Gilmore Girls. I fast forward through the boring parts. Somehow Rory’s love life is an escape for me but I’m looking for her getting into Harvard. I think she might change her mind to Yale but don’t remember. I have also binged Jane the Virgin and The Office. The Office needs to just put their episodes on CD or get a Pandora channel because it is the best background noise. I can do anything with that one, with a smile. Best show ever.

I want to invest in big black sunglasses and a baseball hat with a wig attached. Not because I need a new look but because it is so hard to run into people if I leave. It’s easier not to talk about what is happening every time I step out of the house. I love those that love us but it is hard to relive it over and over. I’ve worn sweatpants or pajamas for two weeks because I can’t bear the head tilt and questions that I have to answer when I’m out. I did put on pants today and a real shirt. It felt good. In truth, I wasn’t great at wearing real pants before.

In His time, this will be over. At least the physical act of caring for him will be. Our lives will be forever changed. A room will be empty. We will be rested but we will be different. I know this. Our heartache doesn’t end with his restoration. But we will feel relief. He won’t be suffering anymore. In His time, this will happen. Walker’s still hanging on. Each day he gets worse and closer but oh man is he a fighter.

I was thinking about how hard he is still fighting, even at the end. It made me think that God created him to be well and strong. He made everything right and sin in this world is ruining it. How sad that satan is trying so hard to take this good thing from us only to be defeated at what would appear a victory. God will restore what is now broken but that it was originally so good. God wins here.

I have found myself questioning Him on why it is being allowed to drag on. Why after recognizing that he was going to Heaven soon, why is he still suffering? It led me to Job, the part at the end where God addresses Job’s questioning. Have you ever read that? God lists off for like ever, all the things that God did and created. And then asks Job where he was when God created it all.. It was the most oddly comforting thing for me. I even highlighted it. My hand hurt it was so long. God created it all and just in case you skipped Genesis, he tells us again in Job. Who am I? Where was I? So amazing. Trust. In HIS time.