There have been a lot of Legos in the past three months. Big Legos. Little Legos.
Eggo my Lego.
We’ve watched Bricksburg, The Lego Movie and these weird B Lego Movies that Weston loves. We play with cool Lego people, build houses, spaceships and cars.
I’ve started working out again which has been amazing to get me up and going for the day..Things are going better as far as participating in the daily rituals of summer and trying to take ownership in my life again. I feel a numbness to what has happened but also hope that our life can move on and we can develop a new dream of what life will look like.
But I’ve been struggling to find purpose without Walker. Being a mom to two children was physically more demanding and time consuming. I knew what I did each day. Even though Walker had been sick for two years, I was still hoping that things would go back to normal.
How do you accept that things aren’t going to be the way you thought they were? How do you give birth to a person that isn’t here to grow up? I know I’m not alone in that question..I know there are bigger problems right now. Our world is in chaos. But I find myself wondering what I am supposed to do now?
I have all the christian answers but in real life, How do I make a new dream? Does having more children give me more purpose? Isn’t Weston’s life enough? Andy’s? Mine? Why do more people make being a mom feel like it is more fulfilling?
I’ve found my mind struggling to answer these questions. Truthfully the answers aren’t pretty. I’ve separated myself from relationships that are too much energy and clung to those that are positive and uplifting. I just want a clear space to wander through what happens next.
I never really had any career aspirations. I wanted to be married and have children. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t like teaching or being a photographer.. I did..I just wanted to pour into my children and build them up for God more. I felt like that was my career.
I’ve faced the thought of not having a family before. We were newlyweds and not getting pregnant. Two years later and no baby. I went to a fertility specialist in Charleston to have something called the “Dye Test” or Hysterosalpingogram. (Yes I had to google the spelling).
I had our family doctor suggest this over the typical steps they take with hormone drugs and testing. The test told us immediately that there was a problem. I had a uterine septum which was not allowing me to maintain a pregnancy. A few weeks later, I had a surgery to rectify the problem. But then was told with fertility treatments that I only had a 4% chance of conceiving. Awesome.
So.. Andy and I agreed we’d pray and do the Daniel Fast. 21 days later, I was pregnant.
Crazy. Normal pregnancy. Normal delivery. Normal child. 12 months later, I was pregnant with Weston. Three miscarriages and 22 months later, Walker was sick and here we are.
I will tell you that the feelings you have when you can’t conceive and when you see others with children the same age that Walker would be, well it’s a very similar feeling . There is this longing to have this family that seems unattainable. Infertility is hard. Death was harder. But both are surmountable. Both can lead to new beginnings and new dreams..
Just getting there, that time in between what you want and what you have. That time makes you feel like your world is just going to end. There is no way around ignoring that things are very different now.
Having one child is glorious and rewarding and well, I marvel in all that Weston does. I know friends that would be satisfied with the blessing of one child! I am trying so hard to be content with Wes and our little family. It takes all that I have to try and do this everyday. I feel anger and sadness all at the same time on why he had to die. On why any child should lose their life. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve had some really rough thoughts about God allowing this to happen. I think that’s normal but I don’t like thinking that the God of the Universe could have saved him but didn’t.
Where do you go with that thought? Nowhere. There is no christian or sweet euphemism that will ever give me my child back or make me feel like this is okay. It’s not.
I don’t have poetic words to make this right. I choose to believe something that I don’t always feel is true. But it’s all I have. The hope of faith in our God and his promise to make all things right. Until then, I just have to get a new dream. I’m asking God to give me a new dream. I don’t know if I can handle trying for more children. Fear of what can happen is too great right now. Until I hear clearly from God what I am supposed to do, I’m just going to focus on Wes and Andy and whatever I feel called to participate in. God is working here and I am just going to join in until my dream is made clear.
It’s not what I would have chosen but it’s still a good choice and I choose to keep making it. I’ve shared some cute photos of the choices Wes is making to be hilarious and how his appreciation is worth fighting for.
So until that time comes, brick by brick. I put together a new life that isn’t one that I imagined but that is still lovely and creative and unique. It’s ours and I pray that God will continue to give me chances to talk about the journey we have been on and how we choose to keep believing that there is good in all of this.