“For nothing will be impossible with God. And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” Luke 1:37-38
I have always loved reading the Christmas story this time of year. Of course, everything feels different as I read it now. I don’t know if the intensity of losing a child or a life that you had began ever begins to feel normal. I do know that I have felt joy in continuing our life and that I have felt more peace and confidence in sharing what God has done for us over the past few years. I feel the words so deeply that Mary spoke,
” I am your servant.” ” Let it be to me… ”
I have had this overwhelming presence of the holy spirit since I began my interim position at our church. I have felt a peace, a calm and a comfort that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at this moment in time. I think I have only felt that a few times before and it was in caring for my children when they were babies. Most likely in that first three months when everything seems perfect and peaceful. It was just the feeling of surrender. This is where I am and this is how God will use me. I am your servant. Let it be to me.
I never would have thought that filling in at church would bring about such a joy when I needed it the most. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure what I would be doing and everyone knows that I love older kids and that I haven’t worked for 6 years. The appeal of a temporary push into the world again, three months, service.. Yes, I can do that but no clue what was about to happen. But God knew. He knew what I needed and would arrange situations for me to enter into a new season that used all areas of my gifts in a way that I hadn’t realized went together.
I have fallen in love in His people. The arrangement of pastors and volunteers and children is complex but so divine. There is so much work but the reward of sharing that Jesus is who you can put your hope in with a classroom of students.
Amazing. Nothing like it.
It’s an umbrella of blessing. I felt it the day I walked into the job and with three weeks left, I still feel it. I’m learning that God moves through his people. That as much as I want an archangel experience, with clear directions on what I do to serve him.. He is choosing us instead. He is working through our church and community. He is wanting a revival and that when you are available for the spirit to guide you, He will not disappoint. People need Jesus and there must be a sense of urgency when we think about that. There is no time to be shy or unsure of who God has called us to be. He has called us to be his servants. Are we willing to “let it be to me”..? I am. Are you?
Having this overwhelming peace in my life the past few months.. It is easy to identify that I know God has called me to tell others about him. I know he has given me an affection and openness to our youth. I know that I have creative gifts and somehow that all works together in how I serve him.
But..I have felt this wave of sadness today as I realize that my time is almost over. I do feel a calling that was not here when I agreed to do this job. I have said what Mary said. I believe what Mary believed. I am your servant. Let it be to me. Use me wherever you kingdom needs me. I have used this job as a way for me to just immerse myself in serving others. A way to get up and get dressed and get started. What happens when I don’t have to do that anymore?
Am I going to be okay ? I know there is more. I know this isn’t the end of everything. But it is the end of knowing what each day will look like. I have found comfort in knowing. Working has showed me something that I never would have known. I have a purpose that I had forgotten about and how incredible it is to be available to be used by God. I feel like whoever is reading this might need that reminder too. We can all be available to be used by God.. Wherever we are.
As Walker’s birthday comes up this Saturday, there are many emotions that I have been tucking down to deal with later. It is going to be tough. How do you celebrate a birthday without the child? I am not really sure. We are going to Dollywood with some of our closest friends to try and put good memories where bad ones could easily begin to take residence. But that won’t fix the fact that this day is still going to be missing the child that was born on it.
I have wanted to do something for Walker on his birthday but I don’t even know what that something is. Because nothing satisfies the void. Nothing feels ordained or set aside as what would somehow fill that space. Maybe it is just too fresh for us to plan something. But if you feel something. If you hear something, do it in his memory. He would have been 6 this Saturday. While we have had blessings and births in our path the past 8 months, nothing heals the hole that he left behind. We are walking through new territory and it is all so good. We are choosing to be used. To be available. To encourage others to love more deeply and share more openly. But it is still so hard to walk through life without our firstborn.
I ask that you pray for peace and joy to continue in our hearts as we experience the next three weeks. That God would make all paths clear and that we can continue to serve him with glad hearts.
And Mary said,
“My soul magnifies the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him
from generation to generation.”