MomRage

scene: One southern proper pearl wearing mother driving home hungry exhausted and one extremely well mannered four year old after 8 hours at church functions.

“BE Quiet. Why won’t you just stop? ”    But…crying and thrashing about….

“I’ve asked you to stop . Stop. Stop talking. STOP IT.”  

But.. cheeseburger.. I want a cheeeeeeessseeburger….more crying and now throwing of Toms and rain jacket.

” AHHH, what is wrong ? I want to give you what you want but I can’t when you are out of control”

(Screaming on my part. Almost honking of horn.. but wait it’s the south, we don’t do that unless there is a natural disaster upon us. )

We were only in the car for 15 minutes but this carried on the entire way home. You get the point.

Result: Extreme meltdown from both parties involved. One is pardoned for being four and the other is embarrassed by her lack of everything.(grace, patience, right things to say). Nothing seems to work, consistently , specifically upon exhaustion.

I couldn’t stop thinking why he wouldn’t just behave so I can give him what he wants? I want to give him what he wants! I want a cheeseburger too! I ponder this thought after he finally goes to bed, without dinner. I eat grape nuts.

I can’t shake how insane he was and how he just couldn’t find the space to breathe and stop crying. I can’t believe I screamed like that.  I’ve always thought when people swerve on the road, it was mostly for texting or intoxication, but I’m pretty sure reaching towards the back of the car to pop some part of the child’s body causes the same scene, momrage.

Momrage: occurs when objects are being hurled towards mother in driver’s seat while children thrash about wildly . Something must be popped, taken or stared at intensely before subsiding back to normal driving. Swerving and sudden jerking of steering wheel are big tells of Momrage.

You know its true.

Our own captain america, not captain planet as I mostly refer to as. Seriously.

Now battling a migraine, I begin to sort through Facebook, not looking for anything but hoping for something to create a distraction.

I come across a blog post share, read the header and decide if it’s worth my five minutes. It was something about 1-20 things not to say to your strong-willed or unbeliveable well mannered child.

Um. Hilarious.

Yes, please.. I’m so incredibly unhopeful to find any encouragement but read it anyways.

sidebar: can’t remember blog or title, so I am paraphrasing

” After talking to her strong-willed child, she gives him a verse to memorize, prays that God will use his stubbornness for God’s kingdom and then asks him if he want’s to build others up or tear them down? He answers build them up. “

Conviction. Truth. Realization.

I’ve said these things to my own children. I know these things but here we are and I needed to be reminded that I am trying to teach my child to build others up. I can’t do that if I’m yelling at him or losing my mind or swerving down the road avoiding cheeseburgers. If I’m not constantly praying for God to gift me grace to give to him. Let my words be yours.

I felt like I learned a lesson here for my Wes but then I began to parallel this moment to my relationship with God. I began to see that this is exactly how I talk to God. I scream and beg and tell him all the things I want and how I want them. I don’t stop and listen.

How often is God waiting for me to just BE quiet.  Just Stop it. STOP IT. Wait for Him to speak. I know He wants to give me what I want but He can’t do it if I’m yelling at Him.

God want’s a relationship with us and a relationship doesn’t work well if one person talks the entire time.

All I wanted was for Wes to listen but he didn’t and so we came home. He didn’t get what he wanted and he didn’t even get what he needed. He went to bed to rest.

How incredible of a turn around is that? How incredible that even though I got an “F” on parenting yesterday, that God still loves me enough to teach me how to learn from it and how to use it in my relationship with Him?

There is actually more to the story, if you are still hanging on. If not, that was a good stopping point.

So, I have Staph in my arm. Score. This is my second time with Staph in one year. Awesome. Apparently it lives on our skin and is no problem until you get contact dermatitis from a bug bite while exploring the great countryside at the Biltmore. Score again. (Best day ever, btw)

Biltmore Gardens. Not sure if this where the contact dermitist was contacted . but somewhere near by.

But it’s like taking on a life of its own. It’s spreading. Those that know me, I went to Doctor’s Care. Gasp. I know. It’s bad. So, confirms Staph. Gives cream and antibiotic .

Two days later. Still spreading. Wondering if I actually have flesh-eating bacteria and only a few days left on earth. Like , really wondering. So I start praying. Last night. After my great epiphany of how much God loves me and gives me his grace.

But now I am praying for healing. Now I am praying scriptures that I have prayed many times before for Walker.

Now I am praying verses that I believe and still think can heal even though, God sometimes chooses not too.

I spend time just getting real with God and then I wait for God to say, It is done. You are good. Stop worrying about it. But I don’t. So , I release my fears to him and go to sleep.

Today arrives.

I am filling in at church for a friend while she is on maternity leave and am working in my office when another friend arrives. We talk about nothing and everything in 5 minutes.

But right before she leaves, she mentions she has a medicine she is on for this reaction she has for this problem she had. I almost glossed over it but then i said WAIT. Show me.

So she shows me and would you believe that before I know it, we are both standing in this church office in our tank tops comparing our extremely similar problems. Minus that mine has staph.

Contact Dermatitis. However we both got it, different ways. It looked exactly the same. Minus staph.

I seriously screamed. AHHH. That is so simple.

God loves me enough to bring someone to me, have them remove their clothes and say, yep you are not alone. You are going to live. Here is some cream.

I can’t even make this up.

It’s hard to stay strong after all we have been through. I have gone from laying in my bed in pajamas feeling sorry for myself binging on Netflix to WORKING at a REAL place with REAL people in REAL clothes. Sometimes I feel like my life changed so quickly after Walker went to Jesus that I am doing it all wrong. Should I still be in my jammies? Am I really going to okay in real pants?

But then God reminds me. Stop second guessing yourself. Stop trying to doing it all. Stop telling me all the ways I can help you and just let me help you and give you what you need. I am here, I will assure you when you seek me. Abide in me. Build others up.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up , just as in fact you are doing. ” 1 Thessalonians 5:11