Confession time. No, catholics aren’t the only ones.
I’ve struggled with realizing that other peoples struggles or trials are as important.. Because honestly, they seem so trivial . They seem like things I would long to worry over if my circumstances were the way they used to be.. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth listening to and trying to sympathize with.. I want to listen, I want to be invested in others..
I feel blocked on doing so.. almost trying to force myself not to say what I want to scream out.. but that’s not love.. and that’s dark.. and you probably don’t want to hear that .. I truly want to worry about what I worried about before all this or do I? I spent a lot of time concerned with some dumb stuff. Then there is the earthquake in Nepal.
Oh yeah. The one with eight thousand people dead and suddenly others stripped of lives they were living so intently one second and without the next. There is always someone who has it worse. That’s pretty bad and could happen any where at any time.. Yet we live like we are invincible or somehow above death. Yet it is the only thing that we all face.
For me when I step back and realize that this is the case. That there is always something so much worse going on around me. It makes me feel better. Not about the bad stuff.. But perspective.. I need it to keep going. Even as I write this, I feel a weight lifting off of me. Recognition that we aren’t the only family struggling makes it seem less huge.
I always thought that if I could control my cirucmstances. then the pain I felt was somehow a result of what I decided. But what happens when , our situation goes beyond anything that we did.. I can’t blame myself.. I just have to endure.. and depend on God.
Is that his plan for pain? That it draws us closer? That it creates a connection or desperation that we could not have found on our own ? I know that has absolutely been the case .. I thought I was close to God or that I relied on Him.. This situation with Walker has made me realize several hard core facts about being in a relationship with our God.
1. God wants way more intimacy then we are willing to settle for.
You think you love and know God.. Have you ever pleaded with the Lord to save your child? Or been so incredibly broken that the only thing holding you up is the prayers of others and the words you feed on from His Word? I have to tell you that I thought I knew Him before.. I don’t think we all have to experience extreme cirucmstances to depend on God but it sure does speed things up. He wants us to rely on Him the way we rely on food and water. Lord, I pray that through this, you would open up those kind of relationships with people reading this and for me too.. That they/we wouldn’t have to experience loss and heartache to truly feed their selves from your Word.
2. You have to show up to meet God as you would a regular job.
Okay, comparing God and work.. Not so great but totally truthful. You have to keep showing up or you won’t get paid. If you aren’t pouring yourself into your relationship with Jesus.. then more then likely, you won’t be hearing from him. I don’t hear from God when I’m not reading his word. That doesn’t mean that He doesn’t pull us back in when we aren’t making time for him.. But I am so much more everything when I make this happen. To be desperate and in his word is great.. but we got to keep ourselves in it even after the desperation because he wants more then to just rescue us when things are bad. Why do we settle for just getting by? Why do we not keep in hot pursuit to be blessed.. immeasurably more then we can ask or imagine?… Do we think its enough? I don’t know.. I think I get lazy, like tired of trying.. So , I settle for less but when I see all he does and can do.. and would do if I would just keep the faith.. It’s ridiculous.
3. Perspective is priceless.
I really feel like it has brought me out a depression several times.. When I start to drown in my own sadness or self pity… It brings me out.. Remembering that in all of this , there is still so much good. There is still a purpose in our struggle and good to come from it.. I have learned a lot of hard lessons about what it means to have a sick child, to let go of the way I thought my life would go. My dreams for Walker have been put on hold. I believe still.. That he is healed..I’m just waiting for God to reveal it to the world. I’ve learned about this other world of special needs families and how much pain there is but still so much joy here. I’ve learned that if you’re not dead, then God’s not done. (Heard that from several different pastors but love it and totally applicable here.)
I don’t want the life I dreamed now. I want the life God will create from this struggle. It is still hard to let go of the way things used to be.. I do still long for the simplicty that we had previously to July 2014…but I want to take my understanding of God’s desire to love us much deeper then I was willing to settle for before this, with me. I also want Walker to talk. So, Lord. Please . Let him speak and let me stay close to you and in your word.. Let your glory be shown.