I’ve had many thoughts these past two weeks. I’ve written many entries in my mind but couldn’t bring myself to actually type them out.
Grieving is a weird thing. In truth, we have been grieving ever since July 4 2014. That was the day that we lost our son. We had been fighting to get him back to little avail, the past 22 months. After his second seizure, he was gone. We hung on to hope that he would return. That he would speak. I truly believed that he would. I believed that God could move that mountain. I just did everything I knew to do until he moved it.
Having him slowly lose his life here on earth was the hardest thing we have ever been through. I can’t give you enough words to describe the amount of pain and heartache that we have felt. There is no word deep enough or wide enough to hold the feeling. But there is a release, a hope , a mass so much larger than the space of sadness created by watching your child die.. His name is Jesus. He carried my pain and Walker’s suffering and He is giving us peace. He is giving us hope for a new life and new purpose after death. That is the only way we are still standing and carrying on.
Since Walker’s passing.. we have slept and drawn in to our family and intimate circle of people who dug through this with us. I have organized and cleaned and rearranged like a crazy person. We traveled to Charleston, hence the pictures, and tried to do our new normal. Staying busy with projects and snuggling in my bed are my two new favorite things. Weston likes to create puzzles in some app on my phone of my pictures. We lay in bed and solve picture puzzle after puzzle. Sometimes they are of Walker.
Andy’s back to traveling for work and hitting the golf course. It’s like a veil has been lifted and we are starting to see the world again and it is truly exciting to think about other things. I feel like we stopped living when Walker got sick and we are reentering the world again. This time as a threesome. Walker is still with us and I think about him constantly, but it is different.
But three is less than four. Somehow losing one child feels like a lot more than one. Our physical presence is 25% less…but it is really 50% fewer children. Everything feels bigger and intimidating.
We are having to start over with how to be the “Phillips Four”(my cute nickname for us) without our Walker. It’s hard. We appreciate the space that we are being allowed to take from our people. We will assimilate back into society soon..but right now, this time is just for us. For us to grow and regroup.
We have had some time at the beach and home. We go back to the beach for a few days soon. The beach is truly God’s physical promise of His existence. I hear Him more looking at the water and sky than anywhere else.
Downtown Charleston at the best restaurant, Hanks
Please keep sharing his story. Please live life differently for Him. I look forward to the many lessons I will learn and share through this next phase.. Thank you for listening and I will keep writing if you keep reading.