Processing my Pain

I’m an optimist.

I’m always believing that doing the right thing equals getting the right thing. I believe in the power of the Lord to create the universe and I believe in his ability to step in and heal a sick child when everyone else has said that it is not possible.

I crave His divine power. I want his beauty to be displayed. I want everyone to believe in the good the way that I do.

So when my oldest child was all of a sudden not healthy and normal.. I begged the Lord to display His glory. Then I waited for it.

I had done all the “right” things, so there for, my child  would respond. And 20 months later, it hasn’t. Yes, so much good has happened between now and then. Yes, I believe that miracles have happened but the miracle of his restoration on earth, has not. Now, here I sit while he prepares to meet Jesus. What happens when the “right” thing doesn’t happen the way it was supposed to?

I am okay. I have been processing the loss of my son for 20 months. He is physically still with me but hasn’t been the little boy I remember in so long. The hope of his healing was what kept me from getting lost in the darkness of this situation.

I am sad but more then anything so incredibly disappointed that his restoration won’t happen here. He has suffered for so long that all I can relax into is that he will soon be “happy and holy”. (Thank you Phillips Friends for that phrase) I keep saying made “whole” and made “holy” interchangeably . Both fit but its not what I thought would happen. It’s not the result that I felt so clearly God had shared with me.

“He is healed.”

Maybe it meant that the Lord had already taken the pain from him. That he wasn’t suffering anymore. That he has been released from this trial. I begged the Lord that I could trade places with him. That he would give Walker back his life and take mine. But that is not what has happened and even so, it will all still be good. Because I will see my son again. He is healed. Being with Jesus is right and now Walker will see it first.

I write this as he lays next to me, deep within his pain medicine. Just waiting for when that time comes. It is truly a bizarre thing to have him slipping away while there is nothing left to do but just wait.

I think the whole time I have assumed that actions equal results, have all been under the assumption that I somehow control what happened in my life. That I have done all that I have. It’s not true. I can go over and over my choices in life to see if I did something that allowed me to end up here. It is a dangerous road to travel..

While I have not always been correct in my deductive reasoning of how things work out, one thing remains the same. That God is in this. That God is good and that he will redeem all the pain that has come into existence because of what has happened with Walker. He is powerful and he will prevail..

So I find myself repeating this verse from Philippians 4:8 in my mind over and over. .

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”

Think about such things.. Focus on what we know is true and not what we see..  He is healed. He is whole. He is holy. That is more “right” then anything else that I could want for him.

So as we wait for the Lord to make him whole, I find myself desperate to read him stories from the bible. I want him to know the people that he will meet in heaven.

It has become my last job as his mother, to prepare him for heaven. That has brought me so much comfort that I am not preparing him for the end of his life but the beginning of his new one. His new life with Jesus and his favorite warrior, Gideon. Praise you God that we will all be together again.