This I keep on doing.

Walker had four today. I think Andy and I both lost it when that fourth came. It’s like you roll through the full eight month journey when a day like this happens.

Suddenly every other child Walkers age becomes a painful reminder that things are different for us. It’s a feeling we push down because it’s not how we are choosing to deal with this. But it’s there. Church is hard because there are so many memories and hopes and dreams that are put on hold for us.

The chiropractors office is hard because there are strangers that don’t know why Walker behaves in the manner he does. Or why Weston is running out of control like a mad man. I want to teach him not to run around, not to slam doors, not to rip papers off of shelves…

And I still try . But it’s not the same. I don’t have a character trait or soft calming voice to gently redirect his behavior. I have little left to give him because I’m trying to make sure Walkers ok. I’m always trying to make sure Walkers ok and just hope that Wes will be. Facebook hurt today , so many pictures of families doing things we want to be doing.. Do they know how lucky they are?

Do they know how quickly things can change? I didn’t but they did and Id give anything to go back and know what we know now..

Yelling..Andy and I yelled today. We yell when we are sad . When you want to yell at God but instead see each other. It’s hard to stay calm when you are so tired of this new pattern. I want calm . I want peace. I want fun and care free pictures on Facebook. But it’s not where we are, today. We have moments there but it mostly comes back here. Frustration and disappointment that things aren’t better.

Andy and I always come back and put things together . We always find a way back to doing things together . The truth in our sermon on Sunday on Romans 7 was echoed in our lives today. ”

I don’t want to do these things.. This I keep on doing.. It’s not me but Sin that lives within..” Lord, take this Sin , give me grace and peace. And Lord, here our cry! Make Walker better, make this easier, give us Hope